The gift of attention is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to another. It says, “You are important to me. I am willing to invest my time, presence, and interest in developing a relationship with you.” Whether romantic, familial, or friendly – all relationships result from the gift of attention.
In the summer of 1985, I met a girl who would become my wife just 15 months later. When I first met her, I noticed her physical beauty, and before long I was overwhelmed by her spiritual beauty. This caused me to become laser focused on one project, I needed to get her attention and give her mine.
There was no shortage of obstacles to this project: we were both dating other people, I was 5 years older than her, I was only going to live in her town for three short months, and I had no idea if she had any interest in me! I decided that my approach to her would involve being responsive – if she showed any interest in me, I would respond immediately and clearly. In her presence I did not daydream or zone out for fear that I would miss an important opportunity. I would give her my attention, in hope of receiving hers.
Someone must make the first move, creating an opportunity for response. This willingness to show attention even when unsure of the response is an act of hope. It is a little easier when you are responding to someone’s gift of attention because you already know there is some interest, but it can still be an act of courage to return the gift. When two people give the gift of attention, something new enters the world – a relationship between people who are interested in each other. These are wonderful moments; all is right with the world!
One sad truth of long-term relationships is that the initial spark and interest that created them often gets lost in the daily demands of living. You can literally wake up one day and wonder if your loved one is going to pay any attention to you today. John Gottman, the marriage researcher, uses the term “bids” to describe efforts by people to gain the attention of the other. People who discover themselves to be “unnoticed,” long for the attention they once received, yet are uncertain about their ability to attract it. Very often they send out “bids” – little acts of interest or attention – seeking to gain a response of attention from their loved one. Sometimes these bids are so subtle that they are easily ignored. However, they are never ignored by the sender, because the bid represents their desire for renewed attention. A missed bid by the one who failed to notice it may seem like a small thing; but it is a big deal to the person who sent out the bid in hope of a loving response.
Both relationally and spiritually, we are in great danger of walking through life almost totally unresponsive. We get so wrapped up in selfish pursuits, the daily grind of life, or even just habitual paths, that we miss most of the bids that come our way. Our attention is blunted, and people are hurt.
Imagine what your life could look like if you became sensitive to the “bids” you encounter daily. The ritual kiss you give when walking out the door could turn into a real kiss – an invitation to complete your activity away from home so you can return as soon as possible! The casual “How was your day?” might be an invitation to return to a state of intimacy! Even something as slight as a subtle smile or a fleeting light touch may be an opportunity to open a door long closed. But only if you pick up on the bid and answer it with responsiveness.
It took some risk to begin your relationship, it will also take some risk to sustain it. In these times of great stress and mounting losses do not let your relationships be counted among the things that have suffered. Make plenty of bids for the attention of the people you love. Pay close attention to the bids that come your way. Take the risk. Live responsively.
- Kenny Payne